Mystery Cult

How do you use your Livejournal friends list?

2008-04-14T19:25:03Z

As I've remarked before, I write this thing more because I like writing than because I'm under the impression that you lot are hungry for my every word. Nevertheless, I try (and probably fail) to write in a readable fashion.

But it strikes me that I have little idea how people typically consume their Livejournal friends list. Knowing this might have some effect on what I write, so it's interesting to know. Do you read every last thing on your friends list? Or do you have such a sprawling friends list that you just dip into it and glance over the last five entries? Do you read at leisure, or in great haste? Do you follow links/videos always, or never?

I tend to suspect that many people use LJ (like Facebook) as a procrastinatory measure at work, and thus read at haste whilst having a coffee, and seldom follow links or view videos, both because they're under time pressure and because this might result in something Obviously Not Work spewing onto their screens. But I've been wrong before.

To set the ball rolling: I read this thing after work at leisure, though not at great length. My friends list is fairly short (I'm such a loser) so I look at everything in it, but I tend to skim anything over about five paragraphs or which goes into technical detail about a subject that's not close to my heart. I haven't got speakers at the moment on the machine I use for web-surfing, so I don't generally play video/sound (and I won't in the future if they all turn out to be Rick Astley). I sometimes follow links, but if the post doesn't make it clear what the link is, I tend to refuse to follow it (it might be Rick Astley- or worse).

I'm not suggesting everyone write as much as I just did, but a few words would be interesting.

(I generally abhor this kind of blog navel-gazing post, and I promise to avoid any more in future.)

Boring dentist question

2008-04-09T19:25:15Z

One of the exciting features of graduation is that I no longer qualify for the University Dental Practice. So I need to register with a dentist. If anyone knows of any unusually good or bad Cambridge dentists, now would be a good time to tell me. For that matter, if anyone knows of any that they can confirm are not actively bad, that would be useful information. Then I can begin the exciting process of discovering that they're not taking NHS patients.

I might sound paranoid here, but I had a bad experience back at York. Oh, the boring tales of incompetent dentistry I could tell.

In order to allay concern, I should stress that there's nothing currently wrong with my mouth, so far as I'm aware. Mind you, some guy at work today was saying you're supposed to floss after every meal. I think that's just crazy talk, but what if he's right? I floss about once a fortnight. My teeth are probably doomed.

Arthur C. Clarke

2008-03-20T00:56:57Z

Arthur C. Clarke has died at the age of 90. This 90th birthday message on YouTube, from a few months ago, sees him effectively saying goodbye; he still appears to have been in full possession of his marbles. I'm not sure the video would have anything to offer the non-fan, but I found it quite affecting.

I gobbled up a number of his novels in my youth; it's been too long ago for me to say anything very useful. But it's worth noting that the potentially dry hard science fiction was generally leavened with a hefty dose of Cosmic Awe; the careful scientific explanation was always matched by an appreciation of the inexplicable and the incomprehensible. For every Discovery spacecraft, a big black monolith.

Sinister ducks

2008-02-24T10:42:09Z

This may be old news to the comics fans out there, but it's new news to me: in the 1980s, heavily bearded mad comics genius Alan Moore had a brief musical career, including a song called "The March of the Sinister Ducks". This has since been combined with ropy animation by internet scamps and placed on YouTube.

It's about how sinister ducks are.

Nasty and small, undeserving of life.
DUCKS! DUCKS! Quack quack, quack quack.
They sneer at your hairstyle and sleep with your wife.

It's possible that there's some allegorical reading I'm missing, but I think it's just that Alan Moore doesn't like ducks. It's all rather Tom Lehrer, but whereas Tom Lehrer sounded merely mildly amused by the prospect of poisoning pigeons in the park, Moore sounds genuinely angry with the ducks.

I am the law

2008-02-10T14:15:23Z

The most interesting thing to emerge from this Rowan Williams/Sharia law business is the fact that, under current law, certain kinds of civil disputes can be settled by a court using any system, provided that all parties agree to submit to its authority. This provision is, apparently, currently implemented by British Jewish courts.

So I'm setting up my own court. To start with, this will allow people to settle their differences by means of a massive day-long game of Warhammer 40,000. If this proves popular, I will expand to the following methods of justice:

Trial by thumb-war.
Trial by who can get the most members for their Facebook group.
Trial by Magic: the Gathering.
Trial by naked mud wrestling.
Trial by Singstar karaoke.
Trial by randomised legal system. Will you settle your dispute according to the code of Hammurabi, the traditions of the Apache, medieval trial by ordeal, or a game of Twister? It all depends on a roll of the dice!

Facts about pancake day

2008-02-04T23:24:19Z

Pancake day is an ancient pagan festival, thinly Christianised. The original pancake celebration was much like the one we know today, but St Augustine (not the one with the hippos, the one with forty monks) obliged our Saxon forefathers to replace the element of "debauched Odin-worship" with "pancakes" and replace the element of "human sacrifice" with "sugar and lemon".
Fascism is caused by an absence of pancakes.
Just as fasting for Lent is a symbol of devotion to Jesus, so the consumption of pancakes weakens Jesus, and prevents him from carrying out his evil plan: returning to Earth as undead zombie Jesus to eat the brains of the living.
In America, pancake day is celebrated at British consulates, which are for this reason known by the name "International House of Pancakes".

Miles Kington

2008-01-31T18:36:14Z

Miles Kington, daily humour columnist for the Independent, has died.

Even his best columns often had the air of being hastily improvised and lacking substance, but he had an extraordinary talent for being funny in that particular vein. And even on his off days, he came across as very likeable. This is an example column plucked randomly from the archives.

He lived not too far from my family home, and it was always a pleasure to see someone bitching about Bath city council in the national press. He gave out the certificates at my A-level ceremony; the only part I can recall from his speech was an exhortation to seize your chance to do what you want in life:

A middle-aged friend who works as a doctor was telling me he wants to get into writing. "It's not too late," he said to me. But it was, you know.

He also promised to show anyone who spoke to him after the ceremony a method for sticking a stamp on the ceiling without using your hands. (Or something like that, the years have taken their toll on my memory.) I didn't take that opportunity, but I was assured by those who did that a method was demonstrated.

Technical query

2008-01-25T19:29:26Z

I'm vaguely thinking of putting together a website, mostly as a technical exercise in honing my skillz. Probably about ornamental patterns or something, I dunno.

The important questions are:
- Can anyone recommend a cheap (ideally free, but that's too much to ask) web host that supports (at least) MySQL, Perl scripts, and PHP?
- PHP: what's it good for? What will it do for me that Perl scripts don't?
- Those menus which drop-down when you put your mouse over them: do people do that with JavaScript? PHP? Something else? All of the above?
- Are there any good books on this kind of topic? I've been making Perl scripts that access a MySQL database to produce HTML throughout my PhD, so I know basics, but I'm not sure how to go from there to having mad skillz.

UPDATE: Obviously, I am familiar with the concept of "Google it" and "Buy the most relevant-sounding O'Reilly textbook". However, this is one of those areas where these techniques produce an awful lot of avenues of enquiry.

Top literary fact

2008-01-22T23:38:03Z

I was browsing Amazon to see if there were any books on Andre-Charles Boulle, well known for his phat 18th-century marquetry skillz.

There are no books on Andre-Charles Boulle. BUT IN THIS MANNER I learned this top literary fact: the original novels of both Planet of the Apes and Bridge on the River Kwai were written by the same person: Pierre Boulle.

Amon Amarth

2008-01-17T23:11:49Z

Last.fm served me up Amon Amarth, and I approved. Now, those who are fond of men who sound like the cookie monster roaring about Vikings (symbelgal) will probably already know about them, and those who aren't fond of such things are unlikely to change their minds.

I am however putting a video here because the synchronised windmill headbanging at the start should appeal to everyone.

It might also appeal to those who are fond of Viking burial practices (jholloway?) and who are puzzled by the relative scarcity of songs on this topic. But it probably won't appeal to those who are fond of long-haired prettyboys (fiona_kitty?) as the singer appears to have eaten all the pies. Pies made of Christians. Mmmmm, Christians.

P.S. It's not as good as Erasure, obviously.

Modem noises

2008-01-16T19:42:03Z

My old 2,400-baud modem used to inform me I was connecting to a dialup BBS with a miniature industrial symphony, the sound of two computers locating each other across a vast expanse like primates in the jungle, only one of the primates has 32-color pictures of naked women for the other primate.
- Lore Sjoberg

My blog here is devolving into a Lore Sjoberg fan blog.

Pirate metal

2008-01-11T19:05:40Z

matttt has pointed out the existence of "pirate metal" band Alestorm. Judging on the samples on their MySpace page, they're fun but a bit generic-sounding. Based on brief listening, "Set Sail and Conquer" is probably the best track.

So, this means we have viking metal, pirate metal, troll metal, and even goblin metal. What other folk-tinged mildly comedic heavy metal subgenres remain to be invented?

Troubadour metal
Druid metal (admittedly, Spinal Tap were pioneers here)
Robin Hood and his merry metal
Highwayman metal (entirely based off "Stand and Deliver" by Adam Ant)
Gypsy metal
Cowboy metal (like Country and Western, but louder)
Yodelling metal
The Wurzels of Death Metal

Heck, several of these probably actually exist. (Particularly cowboy metal. Is that what Lynyrd Skynyrd are?) Maybe I would know about this stuff if I read Kerrang! or something.

I should note here that among my recent acquisitions is Tanzwut's "Ihr wolltet Spass" which is industrial metal with bagpipes, featuring Latin chanting taken from Carmina Burana and the works of medieval mystic Hildegard of Bingen. It's ace, and I will probably wax lyrical about it at more length later.

Shiny things that bring joy

2008-01-09T21:03:56Z

Joss Whedon (of Buffy and Firefly writing fame) has written a little comic called Sugarshock, which is free on the web (first part here, second part here, third part here). The plot is totally random, but the comedy dialogue is excellent. Just don't waste mental effort at the beginning wondering things like "Why is there a robot in the band?" or "Why does the singer hate Vikings?" Accept these things. (This news comes via the blog of the excellent Lore Sjoberg.)

Also, this Onion article exceeds their usual high standards. Although mainly because it's funny to think of Jimmy Carter swearing a lot.

Also,
The circus of death is approaching
Its pathway is painted in red
Before it the frightened and helpless
Behind it a trail of the dead
The narcotic that forges their union
Is a substance known only to one
To the clown it is known as Dominion
It's a secret that he'll give to none
The drug which gives the clown power
Means the circus can never be stopped
And his dream can go on unhindered
Till the last human being has dropped
- "Circus of Death", the Human League

Viva

2007-12-05T23:40:41Z

My viva examination is next Monday.

People keep saying things like "You'll be fine. Why, I remember my viva. The examiners asked me to explain superstring theory, from first principles, using only the art of mime. Which was unexpected, because I'm a sociologist. I cried until I was sick, and then the examiners beat me about the head with a cricket bat. Anyway, it'll be fine! Don't worry."

Season of goodwill

2007-12-02T21:16:50Z

"Christmas television is unorthodox in Romania. The execution of ex-dictators the Ceausescus has been broadcast on Christmas Day every year since the revolution. The footage shows Nicolai Ceausescu being led outside on Christmas morning 1989, singing nationalist songs, while his more-feared wife screams curses at everyone. The moment when they are riddled with AK47 bullets is edited out of the recording, which skips to a view of their crumpled remains."
-- Sunday Telegraph

Still, I suppose it's less grisly than last year's Dr Who Christmas special.

Metal

2007-12-02T00:28:48Z

A number of metal bands, most notably Manowar, have sung about fighting for metal, and solidarity among metalheads. The trouble is, it's not obvious what would would constitute "fighting for metal". But for once, there is a clear-cut instance.

"Grant Stranaghan, a GCSE student at Ballyclare High School, was suspended for three days last week for having collar-length hair... Year 11 pupil and rock music fan Grant said his long hair was a crucial part of his personal identity."
- BBC News

If they have any integrity at all, Manowar will intervene in this matter, probably by bursting into the headmaster's office wearing nothing but loincloths and slaying the headmaster with steel.

Seriously, I can't think of any reason why the boy can't have long hair. It would be okay if a girl had long hair. Of course, by that logic, it would be okay for the boy to wear a skirt. Come to think of it, why not? I'm going on record as supporting cross-dressing in schools. Actually, as a means of overthrowing outmoded gender stereotypes, I'm in favour of compulsory cross-dressing in schools.

Atlas

2007-12-01T13:33:40Z

I note that "Atlas" by Battles is the current "Free single of the week" on iTunes. Whilst I can't say I understand the ecstatic praise of Battles that's been spread around the press, the song's worth grabbing for free, so get it while it's going.

One to watch?

2007-11-26T16:18:09Z

On BBC4 at 9pm tonight, there's a programme where Mark Everett, better known as "the miserable bloke from the band Eels" talks about the work of his father. His father was, apparently, the quantum physicist who came up with the idea that the each time a wavefunction collapses, a new set of parallel universes is created. Apparently he had a spat with Niels Bohr about the whole thing.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7113098.stm
I've no idea whether this will be a well-made documentary, or whether Everett's Dad was a good physicist, but it sounds worth watching.

Apropos of nothing

2007-11-25T18:43:36Z

Many years ago, I was running a stall at the Cambridge societies fair. A young woman came over to the stall, and I was in the middle of explaining what the society did when she interrupted me.
"Are you like this all the time?" she asked.
"Like what?" I said.
"Oh!" she replied, and she walked away.
"WHAT? LIKE WHAT?" I called after her. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? TELL ME!"
But I never did find out.

Beowulf

2007-11-18T21:59:11Z

I went to see Beowulf at the weekend. It's been a while since I read the poem (in translation) so I was a bit hazy on the plot, but the film reminded me how it goes: a gang of horny, drunken extras from Shrek with randomly assigned accents fight the supersized version of Gollum, and then their leader gets it on with Angelina Jolie.

Whilst the CGI performance capture malarkey used for the animation is technically impressive, it's still far worse than just showing the actors, and seems a bit pointless given that films like 300 or Sin City do a perfectly good job with real actors against a CGI backdrop. The animation is more convincing on old faces with lots of wrinkles to show movement, so the more the CGI makeover flatters an actor's appearance, the less it flatters their performance.

The script was written by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary, the latter being the coauthor of Pulp Fiction. I assume that Neil Gaiman contributed the reworking of the disparate monster-fights of the original into a dark fairy tale, and contributed the concern with how the events relate to the story of Beowulf being told; I assume that Avary contributed the idea that everyone should be a horny drunken thug. Whilst the dark ages presumably did contain more horny drunken thugs than noble warriors, this move does tend to rob events of epic grandeur.

There was a short story in Neil Gaiman's hit-and-miss collection "Smoke and Mirrors" about a film's original concept being mangled by the Hollywood production process. This makes it interesting that Gaiman has now contributed to a film where Grendel's mother is made over from "a monster" to "Angelina Jolie, naked". I like to think that there's a film executive out there who sits in when a film is pitched and, every single time, says "You know what this film needs? Angelina Jolie, naked." To be fair, this executive is always right. The other possibility is that Gaiman, having seen how these things work, simply pitched the film thus: "I've got this idea for a movie about Angelina Jolie naked. I call it 'Naked Angelina Jolie Movie', or 'Beowulf' for short."

I'm being bitchy here, but I basically enjoyed the film. There are some impressive visuals (above and beyond Angelina Jolie), Grendel is nicely done, and the film's numerous flaws are amusing rather than annoying.

Eels! Eels! Eels!

2007-11-17T00:40:10Z

I may be the last person on Earth to note this, but the Mighty Boosh (BBC3) is quite startlingly good.
The flat I live in has heavy decorative plaster mouldings along the tops of the walls. Last night at 1:30 AM, several feet of moulding spontaneously fell off the wall in my room furthest from my bed. If it had been the moulding over the head of my bed, then I dare say it would have nobbled me in my sleep. This not-very-close brush with arbitrary, meaningless death has enlivened my otherwise mundane existence.
Those who delight in my misfortune may also like to note that, following my visit to Kambar heavy metal night, my (mild, intermittent, self-diagnosed) tinnitus is playing up again. I only mention this so that, if at some future noisy social event I scamper away yelling "My ears! My precious, delicate ears! I must protect you so that I will always be able to hear every subtle nuance of Rammstein!" then perhaps you will understand. Understand that I'm a pathetic hypochondriac, that is. On the plus side, every album now sounds like Psychocandy by the Jesus and Mary Chain.

Tomb of the God-Emperor: ripe for plunder!

2007-11-15T19:36:16Z

At the weekend I went to the British Museum to take a look at the much-hyped exhibition of terracotta warriors from the tomb of the first Emperor of China. If you have an interest in this sort of thing, you've probably heard all about this by now, but for what it's worth, it's a well-presented exhibition. There's only 20 or so terracotta figures, but they seem to be quite representative of what's been excavated, ranging from archers to generals to administrative officials to musicians.

The thing I like best is the fact that the Emperor's huge main tomb-mound still hasn't been excavated. Whilst the Chinese authorities make noises about wishing to avoid excavating in the (optimistic) hope that technological advances will let them examine the site in some non-invasive manner, I reckon the real reason is that they like the coolness of a having a whopping mysterious unopened tomb complex lying around. Does anyone fancy forming a Dungeons and Dragons style party and ransacking the place? We will need several clerics to turn the undead that no doubt infest the site; plus I'm guessing that those seven thousand terracotta warriors will become animate once we set off the magical tripwires, so remember to pack some Destroy Golem scrolls.

We're all going to die alone

2007-11-14T19:09:32Z

IN OTHER MUSICAL NEWS, the Guardian has brought it to my attention that glum ex-Arab-Strap man Malcolm Middleton is releasing a song called "We're all going to die" in time for Christmas, in an attempt to secure a Christmas number one. The bookies are giving 1000/1 odds.

It's here on his MySpace page, and it's nearly awesome- racing synthesisers accompany a chorus of "You're going to die alone". It is, however, hampered by the fact that Middleton is a weak indie man, and therefore not metal; his voice doesn't pack the punch that a rapid pop song requires, and he dilutes the song's morbid sentiments by going on about how he wants his duvet.

Nevertheless, I feel that it's an effort well worthy of the Christmas number one slot.

Nine Inch Noels

2007-11-14T19:04:42Z

Comedy polymath Lore Sjoberg has created a medley of Nine Inch Nails lyrics sung to the tune of Christmas carols. Until you've heard "Closer" sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells", you have not experienced true happiness.

New adventures in hi-fi

2007-11-14T10:12:36Z

I made an unaccustomed trip to metal night at the Kambar for steamboatsnorri's Nordic folk-metal set. Whilst my deepest enthusiasm for the genre remains limited to Finntroll, the rest has much charm and mutant strangeness. However, the tempo seems to require country-dancing style moves, which lie outside my limited dancefloor repertoire, so symbelgal and I mostly cowered in the corner.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF THAT, a folk-metal cover of "Rasputin" (originally by Boney M) was played. There are more things in heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in the NME. This cover turns out to be on t'interweb: behold!

Needs more accordion and fiddle, but not a bad effort.

symbelgal: "Applications to study Anglo-Saxon, Norse and Celtic have shot up since the Lord of the Rings movies came out. Although the department tends not to like it if this is mentioned as a motivation in the interview." It remains to be seen what effect the forthcoming movie of Beowulf will have on the field.